Does "the one" really exist?

Where is Mr. Right? Is he out there? And if so, have we already met him? What if we never find him? Is he hiding in Canada, Paris or right here in Australia? Argh! What if finding the "the one" was merely a myth...

Apparently we can forget about fireworks, lightening bolts and symphony music because the soulmate concept is in fact rather boring.

Soulmates arose from Greek mythology and today denote "souls" that are literally made and/or fated to be the mates of each other or to play certain other important roles in each others' lives.
Ahuh. So what happened to that flash of inspiration when you finally meet "the one"? Will they sweep us off our feet, wake us from our slumber, inject that life and energy into our veins like we've never felt before? Perhaps not.

I've had the "soulmate" debate with a number of girlfriends over chai lattes as we ponder whether or not they do indeed exist. "Do you reckon soul mates are pre-ordained?" asks one. "And in a world so large, is it possible that there is more than one Mr. Right for us?" asks another.

Many celebrities believe that every bloke they date is suddenly "the one". They gush to magazines and talk-show hosts about finally meeting their "soulmate" only to find them sitting in divorce court a few months later. (The supposed soulmate connection between Renee Zellweger and singer Kenny Chesney lasted a mere four months!)

Yet is it ludicrous to believe that such a thing actually exists? Anna Johnson, New York-based author of Three Black Skirts, claims the idea of "the one" is absurd. "A woman may love four men in her lifetime and they may not all have been her lover!" she says. "The idea that we must find someone with whom we can share our life is an anachronism, for we are sharing our lives with many people at any given time."

So who's to blame for our soulmate quest? Why are some of us so obsessed with it? "The Hollywood idea given to girls that there is 'the one perfect person out there who earns a million bucks a year, is completely in tune with me spiritually, can guarantee me 10 orgasms a night' just doesn't ring true," says blogger Nath.

Have shows like Sex and the City ruined any chance of us actually finding the one? Have our expectations risen so high that when the right one comes along, we're too pre-occupied comparing him to Mr. Big to give him a chance?

"One person to spend the rest of our lives with from the moment we lay eyes on them? Puh-lease!" laments Jenny F., a thirty-something newly divorced journalist. "And yet if you think you've found them and you're happily hitched then fantastic! Just don't tell me about it."
Is there such thing as "the one"? Do soulmates really exist?

Comments

It comes down to what you believe. Someone who believes, will search. The greater sense of revelation upon finding them. Similarly, someone who does not believe, sees nothing.

Posted by: Hiro Protagonist at April 3, 2006 08:19 PM
I never believed in the notion of "the one" or soulmates within a romantic relationship as to me it always implied that everything was so perfectly in tune between two people that it wasn't necessary to work at the relationship... and I have never seen a relationship where this is true.

However, I met a wonderful guy when I moved to a new city, who was and is in a loving relationship with another man. There has never been anything romantic or sexual between us as I knew from day 1 of our friendship just how important his relationship is to him (and more importantly, we weren't attracted to each other, although we do think each other is attractive!). However, our friendship has flourished and deepened over the years to the point where we really do consider each other our soulmates. He has been there for me every day, and we share everything, happy, sad, stupid, unimportant. To have such an intimate friendship is a great privilege, and it is not complicated by other factors that seem to be rise to the surface in a relationship, such as falling out of lust/worrying about not getting enough sex, and all those actually unimportant issues. As for his relationship, as far as he is concerned, he has met 'the one', and that is something very different and completely unaffected by the relationship we have.

In a friendship it is more easy to be selfless than in a relationship as relationships are so often plagued with insecurities that cloud our judgement of ourselves and our partner. When I met my best friend I didn't have a mental checklist of requirements, and when our flaws gradually became apparent to one another, it didn't matter because we hadn't placed each other on a pedestal.

To be able to have a soulmate is not about finding someone better than everybody else, it is about being able to open yourself honestly and trustingly enough to let someone touch your heart and for you to touch theirs. However, in most cases we are so busy with trying to live up to someone else's ideals that it is far too risky to do that and comsequently we move from unfulfilling relationship to unfulfilling relationship.

On the other hand, who needs to be open when you are 'lucky' enough to be so attractive that you don't need conversation? Anon, I would love to hold a rich and intellectually stimulating debate with you but I fear I would have to beat away a horde of blonde beauties from your side first... ;-)

Posted by: European girl at April 3, 2006 07:47 PM

I met my soulmate. She met me and felt the same. The only thing that mattered was committing to spending the rest of our lives together, which we did. The best 3 years of my life.

But then something happened. We changed, we grew, we adopted different values based on our experiences. Perhaps the high expectations of some women never burn out, they just simmer until they fire up again. Perhaps I got comfortable thinking we were soulmates.

To me, being a soulmate is something that needs to be worked at (and I'm pretty sure the celebrant said something similar!). True success depends on each person being able to adopt and respect and grow.

Or maybe the spark just dies out after 3 years. In our disposable, selfish, chew-it-up, spit-it-out society, being soulmates for 3 years probably makes more sense for many, even though we're programmed to be partners for life.

I still don't know. I'll just let my heart decide.

Posted by: van the man at April 3, 2006 07:33 PM

Apparently, according to an article I read (in, erm, I think it was Womans Day!), a soulmate is NOT a good thing to wish for. Soulmates are someone with whom you have unfinished business (perhaps from a previous life!!), so they are pretty much 'fated' (ie. unavoidable) but doomed to fail

Posted by: hellcat at April 3, 2006 04:14 PM
Is that really a bad thing? Maybe that's why some soul mates keep meeting each other, to try and finish their unfinished business. Perhaps the business at hand is longer to finish than a mere transitory lifetime.

Posted by: Hiro Protagonist at April 3, 2006 07:24 PM

I dont know if we human actually come in pairs, but I can tell you that if you see "the one" you just know. It happened to me. I met the woman that would be my wife 13 years ago, it wasn't a bolt of ligthing on first sigth, but close. At the time, we both had grown wary of relationships and were considering single life for good. Within two weeks we both knew this was different. Within a month we were sure that we would be together for good. We didn't even had to say it, we were together and "just knew it", it was as natural as it gets, I could picture myself waking up next to this woman for the rest of my life. Today we've been married for 10 years, and have one son. I don't know how the story ends, or if we'll be together until we die, but from where I'm standing, 13 years later, it certainly looks like it

Posted by: The Gremlin at April 3, 2006 07:18 PM

I believe that there is "the one" for everyone but that this person changes as your life moves through its stages and "the one" at age 22 may not necessarily be "the one" at 32. As your life and needs change so does the 'identity' of the person you share your life with. Within the same relationship people grow in different direction and not for the want of trying, the relationship no longer serves it purpose even though both parties still love each other.